Today’s blog is about two seemingly unrelated events that nonetheless became inseparably intertwined when they led me to an important realization. The first event occurred when I was entering the county courthouse. As a frequent courthouse flier, I have a special I.D. badge that allows me to pass through security without incident, but other patrons are not as fortunate. On this particular occasion, I witnessed an indigent woman whose fingernail clippers had been confiscated. Confiscating fingernail clippers in airports is one thing, but confiscating fingernail clippers to enter the county courthouse seems a bit extreme. I began thinking about all of the buildings in which toenail clippers are prohibited…courts, government buildings, airplanes, amusement parks, sporting arenas….and probably countless others that I’m not aware of. When I visit my bank I feel compelled to leave my fingernail clippers in the car lest I be accused of armed robbery. Then this past weekend, I went to see the new X-men movie, X-Men Origins: Wolverine. This movie focuses on two powerful superhuman mutants, one of whom has metal claws that extend from his knuckles, and the other of whom has fingernails that can rip steal. That’s when it hits me. These two events converged in my life in close proximity for a reason-to reveal a covert, government conspiracy. The government is obviously trying to breed a generation of human supersoldiers whose fingernails can be used as lethal weapons! That’s why they don’t want you to have fingernail clippers anymore! The government figures that if they keep confiscating the clippers, the population’s fingernails can eventually be used as a tactical advantage in foreign warfare!
Since my discovery, I’ve made several attempts to alert the popular media about this travesty, but have had little success. The media is obviously in on it. Don’t let this conspiracy continue! I’ve been working to organize a secret society of underground manicurists whose services will be available in the event of an emergency, but I encourage every man, woman, and child to stock up on emery boards now, before it’s too late!