Recently, I was leisurely perusing our site’s “Top Visitors” list, when I discovered that we had managed a rather unexpected achievement: I have been bumped from the number one spot.
This is remarkable enough to warrant a blog for one reason: I’m the administrator. I have been on every single page of this website. Repeatedly. I edit and test every page. I monitor statistics and update modules. Sometimes, late at night, I furiously scroll through our blog entries, desperately searching for typos so that I have a reason to yell at Suzanna. So the fact that there is a visitor who has 100 more hits on our site than I do is actually quite impressive.
However, the initial thrill faded fast as I began to wonder what would motivate a visitor to visit our website so much. Sure, our site is fascinating…but this visitor’s hits vastly outnumber the pages on our site.
A chill crept up my spine as I realized what was happening. Someone out there is planning a coup d’état.
Somewhere in the United States is a sinister, Doctor Claw-like villain, reclining in his lavish leather chair, luxuriously stroking his thick, devilish beard, scratching the chin of his white Persian longhair as his deep, malignant cackle echoes throughout the hallways of his Bond-esque volcano base.
His evil plot is simple: by constantly visiting our site, he is establishing his credibility with Drupal, our content management system. Once he has gained Drupal’s trust, he will gradually undermine our authority, subverting our hitherto faithful website into recognizing him as its new master. Then, when we least expect it, our website will betray us.
Theoretically, now that we know this, we could take action to prevent this from occurring…but let’s be realistic: it’s probably already too late. How could we hope to compete with such a diabolical genius? Who knows, perhaps this entire blog entry is part of his crafty scheme, and I’m playing right into his hands. There is no hope.
May God have mercy on our souls.